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JEWLUMNI

✦ הג׳ולומני ✦ Est. 3761 BCE ✦

The Jewlumni

Shaping world events since 3761 BCE, according to people who did their own research.

Meet the High Council ↓
Times “exposed” this year
1,204
Exposés citing a primary source
0
Hours of “research” logged (YouTube)
4.2M
Industries we control (per the comments)
All
  • Threat level: Man with corkboard and red string
  • Latest exposé: 3-hour video, 0 sources
  • Space lasers: Still fictional
  • Media: Controlled (source: a Telegram channel)
  • Your uncle: Did his own research
  • Fact-checkers: Also in on it, apparently
  • Comment section: Fully informed

— ✦ II ✦ —

The High Council

Identified as the leadership by an anonymous forum post with 40,000 shares. We have chosen not to correct it.

Seat I · Clearance Ω

Dan Saltman

Grand Architect of the Council & Supreme Landlord

  • Founded Redact, the privacy tool that lets people erase their old posts: the internet’s rarest gift, a second chance.
  • Took on a billion-dollar platform over its handling of antisemitism, and made its advertisers listen.
  • Has offered to bankroll the legal fight for creators hit by bad-faith copyright takedowns.
  • Built Anything Else into a weekly fixture where the internet’s loudest arguments finally get a fair hearing.
Holdings: the roof (disputed) Alias: The Landlord Motto: Ego possideo tectum

Seat II · Clearance Ω

Steven Bonnell II “Destiny”

Chief Dialectical Enforcer & Master of Debates

  • Reads the source material at 5× speed and still arrives with the receipts.
  • Helped turn live political debate into a genre of its own, bringing a whole generation into arguments about policy.
  • Walks into 1v10 debates and walks out with the room. The Council’s undisputed closer.
  • Brings the same patience to an 11-hour research stream that he brings to a Factorio megabase: build it right, then scale it.
Playback: 5.0× Format: 1v10 Motto: Velocitas quinque

Seat III · Clearance Ω

MrMouton

Herald of the Council & Keeper of the Weekday Broadcast

  • Took the second chair of Anything Else in September 2025 and has kept the Council’s broadcast running every weekday since. source ↗
  • Co-created Clipped & Shipped with Dan Saltman in 2025. The Architect only partners with the best. source ↗
  • A fixture of the original Destiny-and-Dan streams from 2016, years before the Council went public. source ↗
  • Twice voted the community’s Buddy of the Year, in 2019 and 2025. The title is not hereditary; he earned it. source ↗
Seat: the second chair Broadcast: weekdays, 8am ET Motto: Semper amicus

— ✦ III ✦ —

Secret Operations

Every operation below has been independently exposed by someone with a podcast. We publish them as a courtesy.

Op. 01 · Orbital Weather Division

Space Laser Program

Fully operational, exactly as the comment section guessed. Current mission: making it rain on every outdoor wedding we weren’t invited to. The laser has no other settings. We lost the manual.

● Active · Warranty expired 2019

Op. 02 · Hollywood Division

Hollywood Control

Every studio, newsroom, and record label on Earth answers to the Jewlumni. With this unlimited power we greenlit a ninth Fast & Furious and cancelled the one show you liked. Hover for the final take.

Op. 03 · Global Finance

World Economy Control

We secretly run the global economy. Quarterly results:

  • WORLD ECONOMY▲ HANDLED
  • SPLIT THE BILLUNSOLVED
  • DAN’S VENMO▼ $14

Op. 04 · Corporate Infiltration

CEO Infiltration

Every Fortune 500 CEO is a sleeper agent. Activation phrase: “let’s circle back.” Mission so far: replacing the good office coffee.

Op. 05 · Shadow Government

World Government Control

Every government on Earth is run from a Discord server with eleven members. Last week’s emergency vote: whether to change the server icon. It failed 5–5. One member was asleep.

Op. 06 · Department of Everything Else

Sports & Music Rigging

Every championship since 1903 is scripted and every hit song is written in our basement. The writers’ room keeps making the Cleveland Browns lose. Nobody has the heart to stop them.

Department of Admissions · Form 3761-B

Initiation Application

Fake form. Nothing is sent or saved.